1:08AM

I've been using the same old napkin as a bookmark for months now.
It's got nothing on it, but holds a memory of you, somehow.
You don't seem to care anymore unless the skies change from grey to blue,
and it is very tiring although nothing new.
I'm trying to forget now, nothing seems to help.
I miss the fascinated look on your face when I taught you how life was meant to be held.
The world on my fingertips whenever I lay next to you,
how powerful I was, you really don't have a clue.
"You are my favourite colour," I said, you looked at me with a smirk.
I miss your eyes, your smell and your smile as well as your touch, your hair and your words. 

It's been a while since I last posted, but I promised myself I'd continue this blog until the end of the year at least, so here I am alive, sitting in bed coffee in hand and a mess of a mind. So many things have happened in the last few days, some extremely good, some not so much, but overall I am so happy right now. I got to see and properly talk to some of my favourite humans after months and months, had conversations that helped me make decisions and learned a lot about both myself and my friends. I have seen myself involved in situations I would much rather not be in but hey, the important thing is that, even if we all somehow fucked up, everything is sorted now.
Also, I met some lovely people I hope I will have the chance to continue to see regularly in the future.

There is not that much of a point on this post other than to remind myself everything will eventually be okay, no matter how bad it looks, and to never give up, because, whenever you least expect it, the best things will happen.

Much love,
Vanessa xx

Feminism and equality are such important issues recently, I feel like I need to write about them at some point, and that point is today.

Maybe because I was raised in a pretty open-minded household, or maybe because I have travelled and experienced a lot of different cultures, or even maybe because I have spent way too much time on tumblr, I have learnt to accept a lot of different people, and also to fight against and for others I refuse to ignore. 

Racism and mysogony are real issues I struggle to comprehend. Up until just a few months back I truly believed closed-minded people like that didn't exist anymore, and oh boy, was I wrong. The only reason I never realised how fucked up the world is, is because I never learnt to acknowledge the signs. As a girl, I was never taught what my rights were, so I never knew when someone was being a mysoginist. The media shows certain news only, so I never knew how badly non-White, non-heterosexual people were treated.

What I have recently learnt though, is that, as a girl, I do have rights. I should not walk around at night thinking about whom I walk past, in my case, living in a dodgy neighbourhood in London, carrying around a whistler, just in case I get robbed/raped/whatever a man feels like doing to me. A black human should not be scared of a policeman who could take their life for no reason and end up not even going to jail. An Islamist should not be treated like a terrorist because of their religion. There are lots of things to fight for, and we can not ignore them. We do need equality for everyone, and we need to fight for it. Girls need to support other girls and fight the media. Compliment other girls, be nice to other girls, help other girls, and don't feel threatened by them. We need to stick together. Accept all sexualities, because sex should not be a threat either. Accept cisgenders, gays, transgenders, bisexuals, pansexuals, and every other sexuality you can think of. They are also fighting for their rights and are just as human as anyone else. BUT REMEMBER, never degrade anyone. Don't trash-talk butthurt white boys just because they're butthurt white boys- that makes you just as bad as they might be. Use words and arguments, it's the only way through. 

The world is a fucked up place, but I believe that, all together, we can fix it. If I ever am lucky enough to have a baby girl, I don't want her to live with fear of walking around the city at night, I want her to live in a safe place.

My dad brought home a pretty good movie last night, The Babadook. I really enjoyed watching it; family time doesn't happen that often for me and now that I have fixed a date to leave Spain I feel the need to appreciate it just that much more. I'm so damn excited to be back in London though, it's pretty much all I've been thinking about the last few days. So many people to see and things to celebrate- plus All Time Low's show just a few days after I land. 

Recently I have started feeling the need to donate my hair so that little children with cancer can have it. I found an organisation that will take it even though it's been bleached and I honestly don't know what to do. I put so much effort into growing it, shaving it all off would make me so sad. I guess I'll have to think about it a bit more. 

I'm planning on watching The Spice Girls's movie later on, but before that Dad's got another film he would like to watch, so we're gonna do that. Hopefully my afternoon/evening will turn out as nice as my morning. 

Much love,

 Vanessa xx

The last few days haven't really been that interesting, to be honest, but I do feel the need to document them, so here is this.
Just yesterday my family and I went up the mountain to see the snow, and it was so nice for a change. It felt so weird how the weather went from sunny to snowing as we drove up.

Because I have also been feeling a bit sick lately, I have been using  my time to re-read Looking For Alaska and watching some classics such as Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Beetlejuice, The Spotless Mind of Eternal Sunshine or Edward Scissorhands, the latest being one of my favourite films of all time. Gotta love me some Tim Burton. It's just such a beautiful story. I have also been watching The Office and let me tell you, Jim Halpert is the best human I have ever encountered, I am literally in love.
Another one of my favourite things to do in my free time is to make playlists. The last one I made on Spotify and I honestly reckon it's the best I have ever made in my 20 years of existence. Just click here and play it on shuffle, you'll thank me later. Keep in mind it was created at 4am.

That is pretty much all I have done these couple of days other than planning my return home, I need to save up as much as I can so I can spend some extra time at Georgina's and visit the rest of my emo squad, so I don't get to go out much unless it's with my family.
I am very much looking forward to carry on updating this blog, hopefully regularly. Looking back at old entries is one of my favourite things to do, and I love documenting my life.

Much love,
Vanessa xx

Holy fuck it's been a while and damn have things changed. First of, some of the people I used to write about on here are no longer my friends. Second of, all my plans have taken a dramatic turn to the point where my hopes and dreams are no longer the same at all. London has become my home; my friends are here, my job is here, and basically my whole life except for my family is here. I am hoping to move out and live in the city with one of my new (but not any less important) friends Ana by the end of the year, but for now I am still au-pairing. I have decided 2015 is going to be one of the best years of my life, and I'm not going to stop myself if I ever spontaneously decide to go on a trip to Amsterdam, France, or China. I want to live life to the fullest. No plans for the future, no worries, no nothing. I want to live the present and do what I want to do. I want to experience everything.

Right at this moment I am in Spain. I finished my last au-pairing job in December and decided to have a long holiday at home. My flight back to London is on the 10th of March, and I am counting down the days. Hopefully my next host-family is going to be as lovely as my last one with which I spent over a year of my life.
One of my long-term plans is to start psychology in September, but you never know, it may not happen, and being honest with you, even though I should, I don't really care that much. Another one of my long-term plans is to learn to tattoo and do it for a living, but it's not so easy so we'll see.

I have met so many great friends since I moved to the city, it's honestly unreal, and I am eternally grateful.

Either way, I am really hoping this post is the start of a new era for this old ass blog. I remember really enjoying typing down my feelings and hopefully it will still feel the same in the future.

Much love,
Vanessa xx